Drama & Stress

I am about to participate on a “Panel on Academic Parenting” which has been the source of much drama around the office this past week (read: LOTS of stress). Oh it’s been fun: miscommunications galore, emotions gone wild, emails flying back and forth like daggers, and power struggles within the department…argh. Why did I agree to do this?

The Gravity of Mommy-hood

My body feels like I was just beat by a gang of kids with baseball bats. My emotions have gone through the wringer and back again. OMG this afternoon was the day from hell but it ended with snuggling my little angels as they drifted off to sweet dreamland…

My day started at 5:30am but since the girls were at their Dad’s, the usual Wednesday overnight, I hit snooze until 6:30am, woot-woot! I meandered about my mind, reworking and planning my morning lecture as I brushed my teeth and prepared my coffee. Out the door at 7:15am, I had six full hours of sleep and arrived on campus feeling great.  My 8:15am class went off famously. The power points, the student comments, everything was GREAT!

Back in my office I caught up on some grading, worked on some research, and was just enjoying my momentary freedom from the doom of deadlines. My afternoon class went well; one of my cohorts and I decided to collaborate on a research project together with a goal of presenting at conference.

The weather was most excellent: sunny, warm and just a slight breeze. I decided I would take the girls down to our favorite park by the river, look at the falls, and gather up some of autumns beautiful bounty(prudy leaves). After my peaceful mile and a half walk to the girl’s daycare, I was getting excited to take them to the park. It was, after all, one of the last warm days of fall.

Then gravity stopped working. It was such a strange, floating sensation. Funny how we are just so accustom to our daily routines: wake-up, go potty, brush teeth, brew coffee….walk to daycare, say hi to front desk, round the hall, hug wee-ones, etc.   Then the routine is broken (your kids are not here), everything is out of order (what do you mean my kids are not here),  your mind can’t process (where are they), logic fails you (Gretchen didn’t get off the bus), what has always been to clear (she never made it to school this morning), always so black and white (Annika isn’t here either), becomes a strange shade of grey (I do not know where they are), WHERE ARE MY KIDS…

Pause. Sit. Down. Stare.

When is overreacting, overreacting? When is under reacting, under reacting? Where is the fine line between sanity and insanity?

I sat in a worn, brown leather chair as I waited for a call back or a text from HIM.

Tick, tock, tick…10mins became 20mins became 30mins became 40mins…

I arrived home, unsure, what to do. I called and called. No answer. I searched for my papers. You know the ones that say “Sole custody and primary parent.” I called My BFF, “Can you come with me?” I called the police, “Not a criminal matter, it’s a civil matter and one for the courts” Fuckers. What good is an official court document if the local police will not enforce a judge’s order?

I pick up my BFF and we drive the 45mins to HIS house not knowing what to expect once we arrive. She was my sanity, my foundation as I drove into the beautiful setting sun (what a gorgeous day).  It had now been twelve hours since the girls should have been returned, no help from local law enforcement, I entered the house…

I was thinking, “Where are the cameras? I feel like I am in some dang Cops episode.”

I found my girls, both half naked, running about a chaotic mess. Annika had been sitting in a soiled pull-up for far too long (poor dear, so red and blistered) both girls were very excited and surprised to see me (I love when they run up, arms up stretched… MOMMY!).  

Where is HE?

I scaned the two rooms that he rents in this house of many and found him sleeping on his bed. He was sick, looked pathetic laying there, a victim once again, and was waiting for someone to rescue him. I cleaned Annika up the best I could (only a bath can remove the dried on filth), dressed the girls, and brought them outside to the van where my BFF took over. I headed back inside to let him know I had the girls. He says he feels guilty and sorry…I am not buying it. I have known him for over ten years, let’s not play this game. I stayed strong. I did not yell, question, blame, anything. I only asked if he would like me to call someone, a friend, a sponsor, anyone. He refuses and  is annoyed I am not going to take care of him. I asked again, “Who can I call?” I held up his cell phone, seeing my name multiple times on the screen “The EX” 

The EX? HA! It’s been over two years since we split. I do feel for him, stuck in his head, unable to move forward. I do not want such emotional power and wish he would seek some help. He refused my offer to call him a friend so I left.

His actions were not done in malice. Rather, his actions are ones of self-pity.

On the drive home I learn of how the girls were locked out of the house, how they were afraid, how the neighbors had to help let them back in… I observe how selfish HE can be, focused only on himself and not the welfare of his children. He could have called at anytime, but he didn’t. He could have admitted he couldn’t manage the girls, but he didn’t. He could have put the girls’ needs before his own ego, but he didn’t. He didn’t because he cannot (or will not) ask for help or admit weakness. The girls could have suffered serious injury due to his neglect. But higher powers were at work and held my angels safe.

Now it is two hours since I snuggled them to sleep. I am thankful for my BFF and her amazing support. I am thankful for my ability to remain calm. I am thankful my girls are safe in their beds. 

Morning will bring with new sunshine, new warmth, and new breezes. But best of all, morning will bring the smiles and giggles of my two beautiful girls. I cannot wait for the battle of the color socks to begin or to debate who will wear the pink or purple sweater…I take solace in my morning routines…even if they include the great shoe/sock battle.

Tuesday

Tuesday

5:30am Get up, coffee brewing, get dressed

6:00am Drink coffee, organize backpack, check email, eat (something)

6:30am get girls up (if still asleep) It’s Cat in the Hat on PBS and get dressed

7:00am Out the door

7:15am Arrive daycare

7:20am start 1.5mile walk into campus

7:45am start coffee brewing in office, print stuff, get ready for teaching class

8:15 Public speaking class begins

9:30 class over, run up to office, grab coat, backpack and coffee

9:40ish Hop in campus bus to head over to other campus, read notes, listen iPod

10:00ish Arrive other campus

10:15 Seminar begins

1:00pm Seminar over,(brain hurt) head to bus stop

1:30ish arrive back at office, eat lunch, answer emails, facebook, study

2:30pm Class begins

3:45 Class over, head back up to office, study

4:45pm Start 1.5 mile walk back to daycare, iPod time

5:15ish pick up girls, head home

5:45 arrive home, pop a DVD in while I make dinner, eat, Play outside if time and moods allow

6:45 baths, potty, brush teeth

7:30 Girls to bed, read books, snuggle with them till one or both are sleeping

8:00-8:30 Wash dishes, check and respond to email/facebook

8:45 start homework/lecture prep/other reading/stats/etc

12:00-12:30am bedtime for me!

5:30am Get up!

Ramblings of a grad school Mom

Balloons, cake mix, candles, glitter, face paints, beading supplies, and pink & purple everything!!! The planning of a little girls 5^th birthday party waaaaaaay more fun than reading about conflict in marriage or normal distribution of a random sample.

 This morning I ran about town gathering up my party supplies for Sunday’s birthday party.  I was going to order Gretchen’s cake from a bakery but I decided it was my Mommy duty to bake and decorate it myself. HA! This is costing me more than if I had just ordered the darn thing. Oh well, I am excited to make the sugary confection. I have white and pink frosting, cake glitter, purple piping to write her name, and these super awesome figurines to place on top! Each one cost me about $8-10bucks, but they are also her b-day presents-a white Pegasus with wings spread open and a Princess Fairy with wand. I will post pics once I make the wonderful thing.

 Today I am suffering some student guilt. I have so much reading to do yet and I do not know when or where I will fit it all in. I should be doing some RIGHT now, but I need this outlet of blogging… At the end of the day I always manage to get things down, but the stress of arriving at my destination can be intense. This morning I awoke in a panic, I thought it was Thursday morning and I hadn’t planned out my lecture yet!!! Oh the anxiety dreams have begun…I am greatful to be 1/5^th of the way done with the semester…HA! Not that I am counting.

 One other distraction I have yet to mention…a gigantic crush. Yep, Mastermama is crushing hard on the most fantastic person. It seems to be a mutual crush but we are both moving rather slowly on all aspects. Not a bad thing. In fact, I am really enjoying this slow, get-to-know-you first, kinda deal. That’s all I am going to say…don’t want to jinx it.

 Okay readers, I will try to be a more attentive Mastermama blogger. Thanks for hanging in there. If you subscribe you will know every time I post something new, just sayin’ (seems I feel guilty about the month stretch of nothingness that was).

Birthday, grad school, and other stuff

It was a sunny, cool autumn day. The winds were busy blowing colorful leaves across the landscape while down south hurricane Rita was attacking the coast. I was blissfully unaware of these things as Gretchen had just entered my world. HAPPY 5^th BIRTHDAY, GRETCHEN!

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 OMG. Life has been crazy busy and hectic. I was overly optimistic regarding my abilities to balance the work load of single Mom and Grad student. I am just treading water and trying very hard to stay afloat each day.

 Okay, so let’s see. I love teaching my Public Specking class but find I do not have enough time to plan insightful lectures and activities. I truly want the students to walk away with a greater understanding of how to be better public speakers…maybe they will. But I must craft a lesson plan for each class time on top of all my mountains of reading…where is my balance?

 I love both my pro-seminar and seminar. Basically I read 3-4 articles per seminar (so about 8 each week). Then we meet to discuss and make scholarly comments about them. How nerdy fun is that!?! My statistics class is kicking my butt. Each lab is taking me about 6-8hrs to complete. I am the ONLY grad student in my dept who needs to take this so I can find no help at home. Also, my professors do not use the R program, they use SPSS. So I can find no help with programming R…this results in much frustration and tears. But so far I have been able to turn in two labs, on time, and complete! I did get 16 pout of 20 on my 1^st lab and to my type A self that was the same as an F! Argh!

 On top of grad school stress, I had Mommy stress. There were many issues at Gretchen’s school and I ended up having to switch her over to another elementary program elsewhere in the city. The new school? I LOVE IT! I am greatly impressed with this new school, facilities, staff and faculty. BEST of all, Gretchen is happy. Therefore I am happy.

 I am trying to balance this crazy paradox of Mommy-hood and academe. It has not been easy nor do I think it will get any better. I must just learn to focus my time and energies in the right places at the correct times.

 So far I love this adventure with its emotional ups and downs. I am am thrilled to be here and can’t wait to discover more.  A link for fun!

The Wheels on the Bus…

It has begun!

Last night was the back-to-school reception and open house at Gretchen’s new school. We met her kindergarten teacher, found her locker, and met other kids while we played on the playground.  Of course, this process is not without drama. It seems earlier this summer the school secretary did not enter all of Gretchen’s paperwork. Now Gretchen is without transportation for the first week of school. Oh no, THIS will not work for me!

Back-to-School Shopping!

The night air is starting to cool, the bees are becoming frantic, and 24ct packs of crayons are on sale for $.25 each; all signs pointing to the end of summer and the much anticipated back-to-school season.  Last night I took Gretchen shopping for her kindergarten supplies: folders, pencils, flat-pink eraser, glue sticks, markers, crayons, lunch bag, backpack, and more. My gosh, she was about to bounce out of her skin with the excitement coursing through her four-year-old body.

I had prepared myself for some big, “No you can’t have THAT!” drama, but much to my surprise the adventure went rather smoothly. All her supplies were in stock (beat the rush) and the selection of backpacks was varied AND with the right price points. At 1^st Gretchen was interested in the Tinkerbell backpack complete with attached wings (really?) but she finally decided on the Ni Hao Kai Lan ($5 bucks cheaper, yeah).  Sunday we will shop for some new shoes (cute or sensible, hummmm) and a few new jumpers. I love back-to-school season!

It is also back-to-school for Mastermama. I may not be in need of a new backpack (Gretchen is sad; she wanted me to get a poke-a-dotted thing, yuck). My trusty old tattered bag will suffice another year. My back-to-school supplies include merely one textbook (woot-woot!), a new battery for my laptop, and an assortment of pens, highlighters, and pencils.  Although, I may add to my list some new walking about campus shoes, a tattoo, a pair of jeans, and some earrings (smiles). I really want to add a love life to my shopping list. *Sigh* A girl can dream can’t she?

The leaves will soon begin to make the annual color change, the air will crisp, and my new-to-me sweaters will keep me warm. I do wish I had a pair of new-to-me arms to engulf and warm me. Oh-well, communication theory, teaching undergrads, and the politics of academe…here I come!